Toast instead of pancakes
I’ll settle for some things, but inadequate literacy of how to support primary care givers through the late nights, is not one.
It’s been a heckers week, and the wee one up all night with a cold. Which for a mammal baby who’s only had a few months to navigate lungs - that means congestion, high temps, steam showers at night, and sleeping on my chest.
At which point, I am now writing this.
As the person who breast (chest) feeds - the bub’s sleeping with, or in this case, on me. According to the powers that be, it’s safer this way, as apparently I’m less likely to roll onto the sleeping babe no matter the nightmares I have or how good she smells.
I’m not sure why, but there you go. And also lucky for us, it’s easier that way, given I’m the one feeding her while lying down during the night.
My partner turns over while I bump her bottom during a disturbed period and offers to take her so I can get a few hours sleep. I say no. In this case I know she’s distressed and will settle better on me. More importantly still, we have a near four year-old who’ll be up in just a few hours who I’d prefer to handball.
My first babe, I would have handed the wee one over to my partner. Listened to the cries (yelps) rise, and they would have struggled to settle them - despite the hours, days, months put into this practice.
Afraid, in our experience, while I’ve been the feeder, and in this case, very much primary care giver - my partner’s ability to take the late night care work has been, let’s face it, handicapped at best. Nervous system disrupting and deregulating at worst. Please, when can I take the baby back so we can all get some sleep?
I say this to emphasise that what I want right now is to know that I don’t have to get up with the older kid at 6am; for my partner to offer me tea and toast right in bed right now, not baby support; and to know that all the chores will be well taken care of well before I rise. That is, everything I’m not doing right now.
Lol, let’s be specific. Monitoring the baby’s health, taking temperatures, being vigilant, soothing with my body, and feeding through the night.
This cascade of gender norms and the division of labour that comes with feeding is something I experienced (or rather, witnessed) our first time round. As someone who wanted to breastfeed logically at first, emotionally there after - this cascade of me taking the baby sleepless nights and settling was something that took me by surprise and knocked me, and our relationship about.
What a minefield of problems it arose. Surely though, it doesn’t have to be a binary of 50/50 baby care, or impending doom of gender inequity in our division of labour (which is hella the norm in Australia). Surely a third option is possible, one I’d be all for.
One where the primary carer is well supported. Where the partner (or associate in this case) is trained, guided and schooled to know just how to support the feeding person, often birthing person, and the primary care giver to a new born and baby.
That they don’t have to be simply rocking the bub to ensure this care work is being seen, valued, and for god’s sake remunerated. Have I thought this through?
This division of labour works perhaps works for us because my partner has now been the primary care giver for our eldest for some two years - and as a result we’re now more confident that he’ll be able to do similar once the babe extends their legs and explores the world beyond my body. This division of baby-care is also palatable for me this time round given she’s an easy sleeper.
But I’m aware this stuff is complicated, and my suggestions potentially problematic.
Studies do in fact say that non-birthing folk’s (men’s) baby-care in the early days is vital to how they relate and engage with the domestic load going forward. Health Ability produced a fab course on this in 2023 - Baby First - working to break division of labour early on as domestic frameworks get put in place and from there last last last.
What I do confidently pose from this however, is the question - how can we better support primary care givers and those feeding from their bod, whatever their gender? Where are the classes, hospital discharge notes, and maternal nurse flyers on this?
How can we provide financial compensation, respect and recognition for freely chosen work, and be schooled on how to support people doing just this work - or in my case right now, by covering the parenting of our older kid, washing, cooking, and doing the dishes before I rise.
Here’s hoping he’s got this covered, even if I have to settle for toast instead of pancakes. Guess some things will have to stay a compromise for now.
Other fun fact - other cultures known for 10 to 1 ratio for care giving to new ones. May want to fact check this, but what fun it would be if that is the case.
Emma 💋